Now that 2015 is here, I think I can officially look back at
all things 2014. And as a music fan, the year’s music seems like a good place
to start. I’ve always wanted to write about each year’s music, and now that I
have Out of Left Field, there’s a natural place to write my thoughts down.
Let’s start with a more contained list before I move on to
the year at large: Billboard’s
Top 100 songs of the year. I listened to every song on the list at least
once to get a feel for what I liked and what I didn't, and I have to say, it was easier for me to narrow down to the songs on
the list that I didn’t like. I mean, it makes sense; these songs got popular
for a reason. Even if I didn’t think the best songs of the year made the list,
there was still plenty of good stuff out there.
However, there was still plenty of lackluster,
disappointing, or just not good stuff there, so we may as well get the negative
out of the way. Let’s start discussing the songs on the top 100 that I think
were bad before I name my worst of the year. I’ll be going in order, starting
at the bottom. Also included a links for reference.
When I was going over the Top 100 list, I had actually
forgotten that I had heard this song before. And that’s sort of the problem
with the song; it’s just not interesting. I feel like that’s one of the biggest
problems that can happen with a pop song. It’s a down-tempo, over-sung,
non-unique love song that doesn’t say much or do much musically. The only thing
that comes to mind when I hear it is “non-distinct gray-white mush”. I’m
listening to it as I write this and I’m not sure I could sing it back to you
without help.
I’ll confess up front: I’m not the biggest country music
fan. But even if I am drawing from a limited pool of experience, I think I’m
capable of being a fair judge, and few dozen or so country songs on this year’s
top 100 were as bland and dumb as “Beachin’”. The verses are rather dull,
almost-spoken word recounts of a Jake Owen vacation. The chorus is a
sung-but-uninteresting three-note laundry list of whatever happened to cross
his line of sight while on vacation, resulting in lines that consist of just
one or two beach-related words. It’s a boring song musically with even less to
say, even about something like relaxing.
I’m a little more comfortable with hip-hop than country, but
it’s still not in my wheelhouse like pop music is. That said: Jeez was this a
train wreck of a song. Miley’s presence on the song is the most glaring flaw;
her rapping is pretty bad, made even worse by a nasally delivery. Her singing
of the hook features the same issues, accented by the staccato jumping line
just making it sound even more off. The backing track is pretty irritating, too.
I can’t comment much on the other rapper’s performances, as, like I said, it’s
not my area. But even with my limited experience, I can recognize Miley’s
struggles, and goodness does this song ever lean on her abilities. When she
first started singing the intro of this song, I thought for sure I was watching
a Saturday Night Live sketch gone awry. That’s a difficult effect to duplicate.
This is only here because I wasn’t writing this last year;
otherwise, I’d shy away from 2013 repeats. But since I didn’t, here it is. I’m
not sure what I can add that hasn’t been said already. It’s at best mediocre in
all ways outside of lyrics, and miserable in that category with text that could
most politely be described as “problematic”, if you don’t feel like using
“shitty” or “rape-y”. This might be one of the few cases where it’s bad enough
to land on 2014 list despite being more of a 2013 song.
This is probably the worst country song on the list,
possibly in the running for worst overall. It’s a dumb premise to start with-we
learn that Dierks was dumped shortly before a wedding and is making use of his
honeymoon tickets. To that end, he decides to get…drunk on a plane. That sounds
incredibly depressing, yet he tries to sell it as a party. It reminds me of
“Stronger” by Kelly Clarkson, where you come away from it feeling like the
singer is just desperately trying to convince you they’re totally fine they got
dumped, no really, can’t you tell, they are JUST SO SERIOUS ABOUT THIS NO
REALLY. The chorus only makes things worse, where we get eight bars of two alternated
notes that includes awkward phrasing and the use of the phrase “rockin’ like a
G6” by possibly the last person in the last context it should ever be used.
There’s not a ton going on here, outside of the beat and
lyrics. Unfortunately, I have no idea what Rich Gang and Associates are saying
here most of the time, so there goes one of those two. The only thing I can
tell is that the last word of each line of the hook ends with a really nasally
sound.
EDIT: 62. Animals-Maroon 5
I completely forgot this one when I went to write the article, even though I meant to include it. Maroon 5 went from an interesting debut album to one of the blandest and most disappointing pop acts out there. Animals is typical of their worst features today, with nasally vocals by Adam Levine, an annoying hook, and lyrics that border on creepy.
I feel like this song is emblematic, more than any other, of
the sort of trend that seems to be dominating pop country music. I feel like it
can best be summed up as “bro country”; it’s a bunch of samey-sounding stuff
without much to say other than “I like partying and drinking and music and girls”
and not much of an attempt to distinguish itself from the next one to come out.
I realize pop music is already dealing with a rather limited pool of topics,
but these all feel even more alike than normal, almost like they’re just
re-ordering of each other. It’s not necessarily bad in and of itself, until
that’s all there is, and then it all melts together (except for the
particularly bad knockoffs like “Beachin’” or “Drunk on a Plane”). But this one
also features an attempt at rapping that bumps it up a bit in the badness
standings some.
Like “Blurred Lines”, this is really a 2013 song, so I’ll
try and keep it short. Katy Perry has done interesting stuff before. I like some
of her earlier songs, and I will defend “Teenage Dream” to the death. But
“Roar” is just not interesting. It’s like one of her earlier, better songs if
it were neutered.
I feel almost like I’m picking on Miley, but I just did not
like any of these. Again, this is partly saved by being a 2013 song, mostly.
It’s certainly more interesting than the featureless blob that is “Adore You,”
but that’s only the faintest of praise. Overall, it’s not interesting other
than the bizarre choice to make the chorus a weird loud techno noises/clapping
cacophony. And while I try not to let the music videos affect my thoughts, it’s
hard to not let this song get overshadowed by the confusingly bad video that
made waves last year.
The detuned instrument riff worked for “Talk Dirty”, against
all odds. Here, it crashes and burns, with the whistle loop just being
irritating. And the lyrics are just a mess. When the key line to your song is
as stupid as “You know what to do with that big, fat butt”, you know you’re in
trouble. It only gets worse from there.
A rather boring song made infinitely worse by Chris Brown
(and, to lesser extents, Lil’ Wayne and Tyga, but especially Chris Brown)
bemoaning that “these hos ain’t loyal”. I feel like that’s all that needs to be
said.
You know the Saturday Night Live “Song Memories” skit? If you don’t, the joke
is that four friends sit around listening to faux-sentimental songs sharing
memories that go from sad to outright shocking. “Let Her Go” feels like it
belongs in one of those sketches. It’s got a softer, slightly folksy feel that
many of them had. The lead singer offers platitudes about how “you don’t know
what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone” in a slightly irritating nasal whimper.
Like I said, one of the worst things a pop song can be is
uninteresting. And while I love some of Sam Smith’s other songs (“Latch” and
“La La La” both featured him, and were wonderful), this is like the poster
child for that flaw. I heard this song half a dozen times or more this year and
it still takes me prompts to remember it. Like, I see the title and I can think
of are John Legend’s “All of Me” and Rihanna & Mikky Ekko’s “Stay”. I
didn’t realize it was possible to make a gospel choir effect this
uninteresting. I was listening to the song as I was writing this blurb and I
literally just looked at the time and said “Has it already been two minutes?
Nothing has happened yet”.
I don’t mind the music as much, I guess. It’s a kind of a
more boring reggae groove, but whatever. It’s not like the pop charts were
going to get authentic reggae anyway. But the lyrical choices are what drag
this song down. It’s just such a weird song. It’s like a combination of the
lyrical problems with “Dark Horse” and “Drunk on a Plane”. “Rude” is almost
certainly not the word to use when describing a parent refusing your request to
marry their child. And it’s so weird how it just bursts out over this upbeat
chorus right after the rejection occurs. Then the singer just asks the parent
to consider his feelings…then decides to ignore the rejection and try to win
them over anyway. Actually, a lot seems to be riding on the parent okaying this
marriage, which is itself a little weird.
All of which is to say: it’s really obvious that this
song used to be about a break-up, and that part kind of just got pasted
into a new set of lyrics.
It’s more interesting than “Stay With Me”, but it’s still on
the boring side of pop songs. What makes it worse is that we know that John
Legend is capable of so much better. I guess this one
is more disappointing than anything.
If “Roar” is a neutered “Teenage Dream”, “Dark Horse” is a
neutered “Wide Awake”. The verses are over-dramatic whispers repeated ad naseum
that failed to be interesting the first time. Then, the bridge starts building.
Katy Perry actually starts belting interesting musical lines, even if she’s not
exactly doing so clearly, so the words sound a little like gibberish. This song
is finally going somewhere! It climaxes into…
A crappy bass drop and a ridiculous voice telling us “There’s
no going back”, followed by more weak and annoying synth stabs from the
opening. Additional problems include Juicy J’s poor excuse at a rap interlude,
plus the fact that Katy Perry doesn’t seem to know what the phrase “Dark Horse”
means. I mean, really, the song is literally about “Hell hath no fury like a
woman scorned,” and the best imagery the songwriters could think of, the thing
that they though encapsulated the ideas of the piece enough to be the title of
it, was that of the .500 sports team that makes the playoffs. You could
literally put any phrase that sounds vaguely like “Dark Horse” in that
spot-“parkour”, “Mach four”, “car door”-and it would make equally as much
sense.
So, with that, what would I say the worst songs (in the Top
100) of 2014 are? I don’t want to put too much more thought into this, seeing
as I’ve already wasted a night pontificating on things I hate, so I’ll just get
it over with and say my bottom 11 (since there’s one 2013 song included) is:
11. “This Is How We Roll”
10. “Adore You”
9. “Beachin’”
8. “Stay With Me”
7. “Let Her Go”
EDIT: "Animals"
EDIT: "Animals"
6. “Loyal”
5. “Blurred Lines”
4. “Drunk on a Plane”
3. “Wiggle”
2. “Dark Horse”
Worst. “23”
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